Communication is key in any relationship, but there’s one question — and specifically a time when this question is posed — that is one big relationship no-no. Guys, listen closely. Do not, immediately after finishing yourself, ask your significant other or sexual partner if they came. You might be genuinely concerned for their pleasure. It’s easy to get defensive here. But given even extra second for some thought, that’s not how it comes across to her.
Empirical data shows what we already knew from popular culture and stand up comedy from the 1980s and 90s: there’s an orgasm gap. In fact, recent studies show that men orgasm during sexual encounters a whopping 95% of the time while women only reach orgasm on 65% of those occasions. So, now you’re saying to yourself, and me, the anonymous (to you anyway) writer, that’s why we ask, right? To make sure they got there, because you know how less common it is.
But there’s more there to unpack, we both know it. There’s the male ego.
You need to know for your own self-satisfaction that you were able to get her there. That you came, you saw, and you conquered. Then there’s how it comes across to her. If you ask during sex, then you’re potentially blowing the moment and her concentration, potentially spoiling the whole thing. If you wait until afterward. Well, then she’s an afterthought. You got yours; did she get hers too? I guess it didn’t really even occur to you to wonder until you were done.... and are generally ill-equipped to do anything about it.
Asking during sex has another drawback.
Not only does it distract from the moment, but it also creates a sense of there being a limited amount of time. You may have just created the impression that you’re close to climax, raising the pressure on her to finish. This only creates anxiety, again, destroying the mood. It’s also been shown that with increased pressure, a woman is less likely to reach orgasm.
However, as I said at the top, communication is key. Solid communication is an integral part of any relationship and communication is also important to a healthy, solid sex life. And you should discuss what it is that brings your partner to orgasm. At the very basic level, there’s what she likes and what she dislikes. However, just as important as what she likes is how to do it. How does she like it. What is it that gets her there, and how best can you get her there.
This is something that can be an easy conversation.
It’s not necessarily easy to get started - to broach the subject - but once you get going, you’ll create a deeper, better relationship and create a deeper, better understanding of you and your partner. She’ll take notice of the effort you’re making. And if you put the plan into action, that can only mean more (and better) sex with her in the future.
If you’re not there yet with you’re partner, or you’re just not ready for that deep of a conversation with your sexual partner, there are a few tips that you can use to have better sex and make at least more likely that you’ll get her to orgasm.
This won’t come as a huge surprise, but put in the effort, focus on her (you’re going to get there anyway) and it’ll pay dividends. It’s all about the preparation and foreplay. If you put in the time, it’ll be worth it.
The first thing you need to do is obvious: kiss her.
Paying a little lip service produces hormones that lower your stress and anxiety levels. For you and her. And don’t just kiss her on the lips. Take a moment or two to slide down to her neck and maybe a nibble or two at her ear. Studies have shown that the neck is one of the preferred erogenous zones, but don’t overdo it, or she’ll become desensitized and become impatient waiting for whatever’s next.
Next on the list, run your hands over her body.
This may seem counterintuitive, but start out over her clothes. By doing that, you’re building anticipation. Slowly remove her clothes, and when you remove a piece of clothing, stop to compliment that part of her body. Studies have shown that helps to lower inhibitions — it further lowers anxiety levels — getting her more in the mood. As you can see, that’s the name of the game here. Being self-conscious and having higher levels of stress and anxiety are the usual culprits for keeping her from reaching orgasm, so your goal in all of this should be to lower those as much as possible to get her and keep her in the mood. And on the plus side, all of this should be doing the same for you, turning you on, and getting you out of your own head.
One of the things that you should consider when trying to help her to reach orgasm, most women require clitoral stimulation in order to climax.
The inner parts of the vagina don’t provide much in terms of sexual stimulation, so when your hands finally make their way down there, your focus needs to be on the first outer third of the vaginal canal, where the clitoris and g-spot are located. The clitoris is a bundle of nerves like the head of your penis. If you’re looking to get her to come, then you need to pay attention to it. Make slow circular motions in that first outer third, and you’ll notice some significant results before long.
If you’ve done this properly, she should be ready to go.
And if you did your job right, then you won’t have to ask her if she came. You’ll have her grabbing at the sheets and the headboard. You’ll know you got the job done right. And keep those questions to yourself. Just enjoy the afterglow. And get yourself ready for round two.